Being myself, being in relationship - Self Differentiation

Two important but opposing human drives are the need to have autonomy (to make our own decisions) and the need to be in relationship (to form close attachments with others). Getting these in balance when you are in a long term relationship is actually very tricky. 

At one end of the spectrum there are couples who focus too much on autonomy. Their sense of connection to one another gradually becomes eroded and they end up feeling they are living separate lives. At the other end are couples who become “emotionally fused” - so dependent on one another for their emotional wellbeing that they end up losing their sense of self. This can feel like a comfortable place of security for a while but at some point one or both people may feel stifled and feel the urge to withdraw to regain autonomy. Also there are couples where one is always seeking more connection and reassurance from their partner while the other craves more time apart as they feel overwhelmed by their partners’ desire to be with them all the time. 

Finding a comfortable balance in the middle, between autonomy and intimacy, requires developing the skill of self differentiation. This means being able to recognise your own thoughts and feelings as distinct from your partners and to stay engaged with your partner even when their thoughts and feelings are different from yours.

The first step is developing a clear sense of self. This may be difficult for those who had their own thoughts and feelings dismissed or diminished by their parents. As adults we may need to go through a process of reconnecting with our internal world and recognising afresh what our bodies and minds are saying about what is important to us. Regardless of our upbringing, few of us can say we fully know ourselves - it’s an ongoing process for all of us. When you have a more solid sense of self and a stable sense of your self worth you are in a stronger position to voice your thoughts and feelings to your partner in a calm but robust way.

Self differentiation is a way of being. Its about bringing your best self to the relationship. Juliet Grayson suggests four different aspects of this. The first, as described above is a having a clear sense of self. Secondly, “being non-reactive to your partner’s reactivity” this means being able to stay grounded if they are anxious or angry. Introducing a pause or “deep breath” between hearing what they say and your response can help with this. The third is an ability to handle your own anxieties and fears. Reaching out to a partner for support when anxious is a legitimate coping strategy but we also need ways to reassure ourselves. If this is a challenge for you there are self soothing techniques you can learn that will help (look out for my next blog post!) The final aspect is being able to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth. For example, staying engaged in difficult conversations rather than withdrawing, so that you can find a way forward together. 

These aspects of self differentiation provide a strong foundation for a healthy, intimate long term relationship.