Runners and Pushers in Relationships

Being in a safe, comfortable relationship can be absolutely transformative and positive for our physical and mental health. But when we invite someone into our lives and spend a lot of time together, there’s going to be conflict, and how we manage conflict can matter hugely. So what happens when two people manage conflict in the complete opposite ways? And why might you find yourself often dating people who somehow have the opposite way of managing conflict than you?

The first thing to understand is the concept of ‘attachment types’. If you’re already familiar with this, I’ll be brief I promise!

As you may have guessed, attachment types are broadly defined as your natural pattern of how you connect to other people in your life. To simplify, I’m going to talk about ‘anxious attachment’ and ‘avoidant attachment type’.

When we think about anxious attachment styles, we tend to see a very strong desire for emotional connection, closeness, and reassurance. There is often a desire for validation that the relationship is going well, sometimes feelings of overthinking and stress if any sort of distancing is felt, and a lot of desire for clarity.  Anxiously attached people can be great at building close relationships, but sometimes this comes with a lot of fear of being left.

Avoidantly attachment people, on the other hand, may find themselves drawn to being very independent and resilient, and when in relationships may be drawn to being providers, but might struggle with emotional closeness and vulnerability, and often need a lot of personal space when they feel that the relationship is threatened.

So, what happens when people with an anxiously attached person and an avoidantly attached person date – and then, inevitably, experience some conflict?

Lets think about a couple – we’ll name them Alex (Anxious) and Sally (Avoidant). They’ve had a fall out, and Alex is getting incredibly worried about the ‘rift’ he feels in the relationship. He wants to find a way to get some reassurance and end the fight, so he feels it’s absolutely essential to figure out the conflict as immediately as possible so they can go back to the safe relationship he knows. We can think of his behaviour as ‘pushing’ - pushing to have the difficult conversation right now, pushing to get everything ‘sorted’ so he can feel calm again.

Sally, on the other hand, is annoyed and overwhelmed by the continued arguing and needs her own space. She’s wants to end the conflict, primarily by leaving, letting the emotion disperse, and then (she tells herself) come back to it . Sally finds Alex’s need to discuss the conflict in depth right now overwhelming and it makes her feel pressured. As a result, Sally is a ‘runner’ - she wants to avoid the conflict and will leave the room, the house, maybe even the relationship to get out of the tense environment.

This pattern can leave both people feeling misunderstood, rejected, and overwhelmed. It’s not a fun situation for either of them to be in, and the more dysregulated they become, the harder it gets to start seeing the problem for what it is. However, understanding these attachment styles can help break the cycle and create a more balanced relationship.

 So how do we navigate this dynamic?

Both Sally and Alex may need to make some changes to how they handle conflict in order to stop this pattern from continuing. Alex may need to work on self-soothing during conflict so he isn’t following Sally around the house when she needs space. On the other hand, Sally may need to make some promises on how long her breaks from conflict are going to last, to ensure that Alex knows that the conflict will be resolved properly. The goal isn’t for one person to completely change but to find a way to honour each other’s emotional needs. By understanding attachment styles, relationships can move from a cycle of frustration to one of growth and connection.