Repair in Couple Relationships

None of us are perfect so all of us will experience misunderstandings and conflicts with our partner. We will all hurt our partner, whether intentionally or not and we will all let our partner down at some point. What makes the difference to the health of our relationship is the ability to repair after an argument (or after any kind of rupture to the relationship including misunderstandings and other regrettable incidents).

There are two stages at which we can attempt a repair – during an argument and after the argument.

During an argument

John Gottman, relationship expert, provides a list of possible phrases, the Gottman repair checklist to use during an argument which can help to de-escalate the situation and signal to your partner that you want to try and repair things. You can test these out by talking together about a low-intensity source of conflict and referring to the list if things become heated.  It may feel a bit forced at first to use these phrases but it can help to have a shared vocabulary and shared intention to revert to these during an argument. You can even say “I want to make a repair attempt” if you are not sure which phrase fits in the moment.

Also importantly, the person on the receiving end of the repair attempt needs to be open to receiving it. This is much more likely if you normally have a good friendship and have recently had more positive interactions that negative ones and Gottman has suggestions for how to build your friendship, fondness and affection for each other. But sometimes repair attempts get “missed” in the heat of the argument.

If things are becoming heated and one or both of you are becoming “flooded” (Gottman’s word for the body going into fight or flight mode) it may be best to take a break as you won’t be able to have a constructive conversation while in this state of mind and may end up saying hurtful things you regret. The ideal time for a break is 20 mins as this is enough time for the body to calm down. During the break spend time doing something you find soothing such as a short walk, deep breathing or relaxation exercise. Don’t spend the time dwelling on how wronged you feel or planning your next line of argument !

When you come back together if you are able to soothe your partner this really helps – by giving them a hug or using reassuring words such as “I’m committed to you and really want to work this out”.

 Repairing after the argument

Gottman suggests five steps you can follow when talking about what happened. Make sure you are both calm before using this exercise:

 1. Feelings: Underneath most conflicts are deeply felt emotions – much deeper than the actual subject of the argument. Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings.

2. Realities: Describe your “reality” (how you experienced the argument) Take turns speaking and listening. Summarize and validate at least a part of your partner’s reality.

3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for each of you.

4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the argument.

5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time.

Ending this process with physical connection such as a hug or kiss can help to cement the repair. Moving on to do something fun or relaxing together is a great idea too.